“I disappoint you, right?”
Empathy from my mom.
I don’t really think I’ve put in much thought on growing up. As a senior barely clinging on to what’s left of high school, I came to acknowledge that I’m not a kid anymore. My friends are eighteen, I’m officially a ninang to one of my close friend’s newborn (she’s beautiful btw), I’m finally volunteering to perform without hesitation, and my parents don’t want to decide on everything for me. It’s literally a stepping stone in my life, quite frankly, I’m not sure I can handle it just yet.
I am so use to having my parents decide on everything for me. That the simple questions like “Well, where do you want to go?”, “What do you want to study?”, “What do you want to be?” I can’t even answer and will not probably answer because I’m too indecisive for my own good. I don’t know what I’m good at. I don’t know if nursing is the right career. I don’t want to think that the college that I’ll chose won’t be the college that I will love. I don’t want to know what my future holds.
I’m so indecisive. It sucks.
So now, here I am. ranting to tumblr about my deepest thoughts. Praying (and waiting) that I’ll just let God be in control. Let him lead me.
Jan 2-3, 2013
I’ve been sick. I stayed home and stayed in my bed, which seems like forever. I was planning on doing my homework from two weeks ago but my headache is keeping me behind. I haven’t been this sick since maybe more than 6 months ago. I had the occasional asthma attacks when ever the season changes but that’s pretty much it. When I get sick my body aches, my ears are plugged, I have everlasting headaches, I cough, my throat hurts, my stomach doesn’t want to eat. it’s everything put together. plus asthma. It’s hard, but I can endure. I’m not complaining about being sick. Although Lauren called me up asking if I can have lunch with her and sisa. I had to regretfully reject her. Same goes for Amyra. She is going to work. Her first job. like ever. She probably wanted someone to listen to her. Sorry for not being dependable.
Sooner or later we will drift apart; we’ll go our separate ways. Our promises that we once held on to, will be broken, just like it’s suppose to be. At first the guilt in us will arise after no source of communication due to our own personal lives (psh yeah right.) but then we will learn to adapt and our guiltiness will ease away. That’s how it starts. Then we’ll just soon fade away. and become distant.
I dislike distance.
But don’t worry, I’ll remember you.
How can I forget you when you give me so much to remember?
Currently I am babysitting my brother and his friend. I was unaware that I had to babysit today because my mother didn’t tell me earlier this morning. So when the door bell rings I thought it would be my brother’s friend’s mom but instead it was the ups truck.I got the package box and behind me is his friend, and he sees me carrying the box and he says, “Do you want me to carry it for you?”
I thought it was so cute and polite.
So now I’m sitting here like, CHRIS WHERE’S YOUR MANNERS?
Bits and pieces are still lingering in my thoughts. The details are fading away. Soon enough, I will forget about you. Soon enough, you won’t be in my mind. Oh how I long to finally move on, to finally take the weight that has been aching my shoulders for the past couple of years. I’m waiting to forget. I’m waiting to move on.——- but then, there’s a part of me, wanting every bit of detail to stay. The natural smell engraved on your skin, the way you laugh and smile, the promises we shared, the pictures you drew, I want it all.
To say that, it’s pretty selfish of me, huh? At this rate, I’ll never get better. At this rate, I’ll never move on.
She was just a blur, a figment of his imagination. Her smile, her laugh, the way she furrows her eyebrows. It’s all gone. It’s irrational when you finally realize that time could bring ones closer together yet also could drive them apart. Suddenly those late night talks turn into late night bickers and useless words said. What you once felt is all gone now. And this is the aftereffect. Her chocolate brown eyes still lingers in his thoughts. The countless times spent together are just pure memories. Her heart that was once kept with him was taken away. Soon enough the memories, the thoughts, the sudden heartbeats will fade away, leaving him with nothing.
One of my titas has a niece that studies in London, but she’s fluent in Tagalog. So I thought that she came from the Philippines before she came to the states. So when I heard her talking to me in English, I was so tempted to laugh because she had an English accent.
I thought it was so weird that she had an English accent. But now that I know she’s from London, I think its sooo coool.
She’s all like, “Excuse me, do you know the wifi password here.”
Me in my head: BWAHAHA.
Me in real life: heh, yeah its rachel08
LOLOL.
Texas is so cool.
Yesterday I was helping Chris with his valentine’s day cards (which he didn’t even bring to school) and I remembered back in elementary school and how I loved giving and receiving cards. I would pick out the best cards to give to my friends and a certain one to my crush at the time.
I remembered opening the valentines card from my crush and saw it was the exact same card I gave to him expect it said From: blah To: Madeline.
From that point on, I thought we were meant to be.
until he moved, that is.
oh well.
